8/26/07

Thinking

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it \hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered to vote Democrat.

Hannah F.....

I don't care how much Jeremy hurts me!
FORDS ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!
HEHE!
He doesn't have this website so i can say that.......
lol

Amber

8/25/07

Pretty weird stuff!

How would you like to enter this competition?
http://www.mosspink.com/veggies.html

8/15/07

-----A NEW AESOP'S FABLE
Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good morning, Mr. Crow."
Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good morning, Mr. Rabbit."
Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whata ya doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit! Absolutely nothin' and loving it."
Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit. So he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?"

Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not!"

Well, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing absolutely nothing.

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

The moral of the story: You can get away with doing absolutely nothing, but only if you're really high up.

----THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE
1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of O'golly Gee!)

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principal)

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

----In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"One hundred and one."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"

8/10/07

Dumb Criminals

PASADENA, Md. (AP) - Doctors often warn of the health risks of eating junk food, but it seems the treats can be a problem for burglars, too.

Four teenagers broke into a gas station early Wednesday and left a trail of candy bar wrappers along the road as they left, said Cpl. Mark Shawkey, a spokesman for the Anne Arundel County Police Department. A police dog located the teens a quarter-mile away.

"Never heard of a K-9 having that extra help in completing a track," Shawkey said.

Three boys and a girl, ages 15 and 16, were charged with burglary and theft. They were not named because of their ages.

Shawkey said the teens stole candy, chips and cigars from the BP station. Most of the junk food was found scattered around the road where they were apprehended.

Burglar Arrested After Sleeping in Car

OSLO, Norway (AP) - The basic requirement of the stealthy night-time burglar is the ability to stay awake. A suspected Norwegian burglar failed the test and ended up in jail.

The alleged burglar - unsurprisingly with a long list of criminal convictions - was discovered early Thursday at the wheel of someone else's car following a hard night spent, according to police suspicions, robbing houses.

He was identified only as a 42-year-old man.

He is believed to have tried to steal a car to drive home with his ill-gotten gains but a passer-by called police reporting someone slumped behind the wheel, said Harald Aase, operations leader for western Norway's Haugeland and Sunnhordland Police District.

Aase said police turned up to check on the car and its slumbering driver in the town of Haugesund and found a sleepy but familiar figure in the front seat. Police have declined to name him.

"We have a man in custody who fell asleep in someone else's company car," Aase said by telephone, adding that the back seat was full of suspected stolen goods.

Aase said the lesson was clear. "You mustn't fall asleep on the job."